(Disclaimer: This blog entry is mostly notes to myself. However, I know many more people, other than me, are going through phases similar to mine. I only hope that this helps to see their lives in better perspective and helps them to get out of their own situations in a stronger, smarter and more resilient manner than ever before!)
When the Dr. before my name, the end of stipend in another 2 years or the usual things that got me ticking earlier stopped mattering, I knew something was wrong. When my beloved setup accumulating dust in the dungeons stopped bothering me, I had hit another low. Any questions about my work that I loved to counter usually and I enjoyed the different perspective started to annoy me, another low was hit. The final straw was probably when the excitement of figuring out how the nitty gritty things made trapping happen, died, I knew the lowest low had come. This is how the low became a rut and this is how I got stuck more and more in it.
How
did I get here? Simple, by getting lost, losing hope and losing the drive to
work. How did that happen? Prolonged periods of little or no results and
acknowledgement of my work. Coming from a culture with appraisal cycles to a
lonely place where days just roll over is not easy. The final goal seemed
further and further away with the problems that were not technical at all.
During this period making my system work seemed like the carrot dangling in
front of me, but the hunger suddenly died and the carrot turned worthless. That
meant the chase became pointless. This is where other things that I missed on
the way during the chase suddenly started showing up. I missed a lot of
“traditional” goals. Till now it was easy to brush these concerns aside,
because I was chasing something that was important to me. But, on this day I
could not remember what the important goal was anymore. Then the motivation
died, drive died, enthusiasm died. I gave up the pointless fight. Like the
start of decline of a relationship, I started counting the cost I had paid for
this dream. Family, marriage, industry career, savings and things I did not
even know I was giving up. The numbers like age that did not matter before,
suddenly started to become important. First, 30, my age this year, the
biological clock ticking, and before that no husband! Second, 35, the age to
apply for post in the IITs for becoming a lecturer/ prof or the other
government jobs that promise security. This still needs a post-doc, and with my
research, a post-doc by 34-35 is a distant dream. And third, 0, the savings I
will be left with when I am done with the struggle to get the degree. 0 was
also the contribution I was making to the society. 0 was the number of times I
stepped out of my country, it never mattered before, but now I just saw that my
passport expires in 2016, and it started to become my concern. 0 the number of
international conference journal papers I have. 0 is a big number, and suddenly
was exponentially important in my life. The slump seemed inevitable, once the
slide had begun.
Like
all lows, there is always a lowest point that one hits. Once I felt I had hit
it, it somehow became easier. So, more
interesting than how I got into the slump, is the story that is being written
even as I write this article. I am getting out of this slump, in my own way.
Everyone who has been here, somehow or the other got into the slump, but the
ones who got out, always found their own way out. I am carving my own way out,
in such a way that I will not see another slump for another decade at the
least.
This
is how I am doing it. I am answering my own doubts, one by one, I have found
what is right for me and I am taking it slow and meandering my own way out of
it. Starting with the 0s, here is how it will happen;
- 0 conference and journal papers - I will make my work more visible, work to conclude the questions I am asking, ask question that are not too big to chase in 3 months’ time. One question at a time, I will build up my research.
- 0 international travels – I will make sure that I apply to a conference where my work matters. With this I will ensure a ticket to myself by the end of this year!
- 0 social contributions – All the children who learnt physics from me passed in science, this is significant. I am now also participating in the translator community. I can teach and increase enthusiasm in science, the way I love science, by thinking and wondering and doing it. I will find more ways to contribute back.
- 0 savings- well this is how much I will always have J. I think money is something I will never accumulate. I will save what I make for the little luxuries that matter to me, like the book case for all the wonderful books I own. More important however is the books of all flavors that I am going to read, reading and have read. I am going to make a big balance of the experiences I am going to have in my life. I will always have the best stories to tell. And that is what I will accumulate. A lot of stories, even from the single rupee or no money that I will have.
- 35 age limit – No government job for me. If I can finish my post-doc by 35 yrs, then it is great, else, it is fine. I will chase this dream slowly. The future will just have to sort itself out. Maybe I will create my own opportunity. The best way to do that, is to saying “yes” to any opportunity that gives me a chance to learn. Yes, 35 is actually just a number.
- 30 clock – my husband will just have to wait to meet me, won’t he?! He better have larger dreams than mine. I can’t have someone boring to spend the rest of my life with.
- 30 clock – No children of mine is just fine. The world has too many children anyways. I am sure not adding to the human pool is perfectly fine. I am sure I will also come across someone who needs a family as much I need one, once I am settled a bit more than this. Then we will mutually adopt each other. Phew! How much I will have to hear from society for this, a few more years on my age should help me fight this with confidence.
The big
dreams always change course as life happens, but how I go about chasing them
makes every day more interesting. This is what I am going to do right from this
moment.
- Love science – I love the chase to only two questions – how and why. I will chase them, learn as much as I can every day and think about the questions and answer them for myself. No doing research for goal’s sake. If the degree happens to be a consequence of it, then so be it! Till I am satisfied with how I think and how my temperament has changed, I will chase it till then and not care for anyone else’s measure of my abilities.
- Live well – Only discipline that is really need is one that keeps me strong. So exercise, well-being and good food is now on top of my list. I will play, jog/ swim, eat well and sleep well every day. I will keep myself fit and enthusiastic with new activities that keep me healthy.
- Find passion – I have discovered over the past year, that I love travelling. So, travel is my reward for every little feat, every month I am taking a day off around a weekend to travel/trek or just chase the clouds! I will follow 2 train trails by end of 2014, I will trek the Himalayas by 2015 and I will visit a foreign country by 2015 (this is not on my funds).
- Spread passion – I will make sure that I give back to people. Interacting and teaching is amazing, the enthusiasm is just infectious! I will keep at it.
