[Thought]: Unmasked and exposed

One day the bridges broke and tears welled up chocking my words. Anger poured in the drops and they burned my cheek. The episode ended, but I felt calm. Hurt was not in me, the words were out and the tide had subsided. A period, I thought, was dark. A lot changed in me. First there was a crack and then the mask broke entirely.

Have you been here? The light shines brighter on this side. Air is cleaner too. Must be because I hold no thoughts. There are fewer expectations, and even fewer regrets.

I was born. My species, era, country, state, language, family, sex, color, creed, financial status and so many things I take for granted are just coincidence of my birth. My nurture makes my bias for food, habits, preferences and so much more. Somewhere in all these are my thoughts and my self. I wonder where it stops being everything else and starts being just me.

Have you ever pictured yourself, the true self? Not the body you are in now, not the hair, not the eyes none of those will do. You need not even be human. You just are. Perhaps a formless, thoughtful being passing through space and time for now. Quirk must be with you, because you are here now. There is confusion and slight fear, because the self is so ill defined. Without any metric to judge against, it is really hard to give ones true self any form at all.

I am not just a girl, I am not just 5' 4.5", I am not just this and that. I am a sum of all my past, but more importantly I am so many possibilities in the future. But, if all my attributes are stripped, then I am just alive and a mass of my thoughts. That is what makes me unique. My thoughts, that are just mine and no one else's. They stem from the imprints of years, my experiences, my memory, my choices, my stories and my aspirations from myself and from my future. My knowledge, as I test myself to fulfill my own expectations of my being. All of these are really me.

Slowly, I knew I was invisible. Slowly, I chose to not be a metric for anyone else and not accept any other metric for myself. In this I lived like my eyes are closed and like the ostrich no one is watching. I am not watching me. I am free. I can smile, I can live.

There is solitude just within my reach. Now there is peace. Now, even I am not watching, and anyone who is will not believe my intents to be nothing. The biggest deceit is that there is no deceit. The biggest lie is just the plain truth. I am living the truth. I am speaking my thoughts plainly. I am in my own space and no more. I am just me and nothing else. I am living my own life, one dream at a time. I am free and I am me.

I know you won't believe me. But, beyond your disbelief is my truth. You can keep looking deeper, but there is just this. Like the plain truth I am right in front of your eyes unmasked,  exposed and here. It's just the mask on your eyes that won't let you see me. Can you handle to be free from the mask? Or will you feel naked without the charade?

[Thought]: Has Mr. Murphy been visiting you?

So, it was one day where everything was going exactly opposite to what you expected. You put your hands up and say - " OK! I give up, I can't fight this anymore." Yes, Mr. Murphy had visited you.

I wish it was just one day. Mr. Murphy seems to have taken a liking to me, and many on my colleagues in the middle of their PhDs. He has been staying with me for months now. The stay overwhelms me, and no matter what I am doing, plans just don't take off. No, it's not just work. My travel plans, that were on cards for six months, were canceled three weeks before. There were landslides in the place I was to visit. It has never happened before! A family function was also canceled due to extreme unforseen reasons. I also captured the limelight for a brief period because of a huge misunderstanding with a senior colleague. Even when I did not see large damage in the altercation, everyone else seemed overly concerned. That was irritating. While Mr. Murphy has been active, it's not easy to handle him. However, I think I am getting there. Here is my list of steps.

1. Reduce toxic impact: to start with, I thought the period would end soon. The pressure of deadlines got the better off me. I was a little less human than I should have been. I would call this the toxic phase. I would create a zone of toxicity around and I was in the epicenter of it. Many misunderstood me, I tried to explain, but the misunderstandings grew. I finally got tired of letting myself being insulted politely, and I simplified my friends circle. I took out the unnecessary distraction and excess information by getting off social media. Virtual lives are virtual, the reality of everyday life was overwhelming me, so it made sense to root myself to reality and untangle that first.

2. Laugh and surround yourself with easier people: I kept only the brave ones, who could tolerate my toxicity and sarcastic humor, and laugh at themselves close to me. I laughed and joked about my situations, the humor and laughter have a healing effect, which I cannot deny anymore! If you can't laugh, I don't think you can survive. I recommend this over poetry and sadness or other emotions for a while.

3. Fresh perspective to everything: first the situations hit me, then instead of reacting, like I did many times, I stopped. I now keep a little black book, where I rationalize my own thoughts and listen to my own feelings. It sounds like pop psychology, but the only one who knows your situation best is - you. So, listen to your own problems and deal with them one by one. Even the silly ones. Take an allocentric view and listen to yourself. Take the decisions that you can live with. And yes, swallow your pride. Ask sorry if you feel you did wrong, and give compliments to the ones who deserve it. Don't keep a debt of social contracts.

4. Wake up, brush and eat, don't forget to breath: while everyday seems overwhelming, don't let it get you. Simplest thing I do is actually have a list in front of me of the things I just need to do to make my day complete. It may not be the best day, but lying in bed and not starting it is just not going to make it any better! Yes, on that day when gravity to stay in the comfort zone is starting to get better of me, I look at this list. And one by one I tick it off. Item 1: get up. Item 2: brush. Item 3: stretch and move, sweat a little. Item 4; eat breakfast. Item 5: breath. Item 6: work like you love your work even today. Give it 4 hrs. And so on.

5. Learn and commit: yes, everyday is hard. But, the joy of learning something new is exhilarating. So, get a new hobby, not one but three. Let one of them be exercise. Keep it simple, and keep it to the basics. Make it a part of your day, like brush and stretch. After work I took up birding on my way back home. I took up star gazing before dinner. Don't make commitments you can't keep, especially to yourself. Keep the people who can't honor commitments out, don't undervalue your own time!

6. Take reward and escape beaks: while long holidays work for others, for me a break every six weeks seemed best. I need to get out! I miss the sun and fresh air. So I took up trekking. One trek every six weeks or a travel to someplace I have never been before. A low budget is a must for me. These are my rewards and escapes. I am better prepared to tackle my everyday with rejuvenated spirit.

7. Back to the basics: this is the most important one. In work and otherwise, go back to the basics. I look back and check my understanding, I look again at all the results or the lack of them and try to see if it fits the basics. Just like in the check lists, I need to get the step one right, and somehow it will all follow.

But, the one I won't put a number to is from hitchhiker's - "Don't panic". I have written  it down in many places, it helps.

The reason I am even doing all this is because I just don't want to give up fighting just yet. Actually never. I will not give up! I will however learn to live the fight and fight at my pace. I think Mr. Murphy is just here to help me set my pace.

Whatever his intentions, I know I am stronger and calmer at the end of it. Thanks Mr. Murphy!

[Thought]: Expense of dislike and hatred

Everyone has a choice, there is just a small window of choice when one can choose to go down the path of committing to dislike or hate another one. We all have these people, the ones we hate. But, are you prepared for such a commitment?

Truth be told, hating an another is more complicated than loving another. In love the feelings are good, uplifting and they appeal to the good side of you. To hate another on the other hand is to acknowledge the dark feelings of despise, and the betrayal that brought upon such feelings. The pain and the agony would fade, but the mind is unwilling to forgive. At this moment you choose to commit to the anger and hold on to it for the rest of your life. Yes, for the rest of your life! Love may change forms, but hatred can only grow stronger with time. Even when the evidence to the other party's behavior is contrary to your perception, you would suspect ulterior motives and reinforce the commitment to hate. And in this way, hate grows stronger everyday and you uphold the feelings and reiterate the memories and hard wire them. Slowly a part of you is consumed and is obsessed with hating another one.

Hate is reciprocal, most of the time. To be hated with similar intensity every single day is phenomenal. Even if the people you love forget to remember you, your enemy will remember you, everyday. In the obsession of hate, in the best and the worst moments, the enemy will think of you and tick another milestone on one of the sides.

I know I would be honored to be someone's contemporary with such intensity, on the other hand I lack the commitment to such hatred. I have too many things that occupy my day and night, my energy is dedicated to many more things. Truth be told, I never met anyone worthy of my hate. I never let anyone so close to hurt me that deep and work that intensity. I for one, cannot make such commitments easily, so no I really don't hate anyone.