Just perfect

 This was during the time we could be part of a crowd. That was a long time ago. I knew my life was perfect. The year would be perfect. 

Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

After tonight...

Just the previous week, I had made it to my perfect job title with six figures on my part check. 

I had made it.

I was that guy, tall.. ok.. 5ft 6 is tall in a lot of Asian countries.. smart. 

My gold plated, 24 diamond watch that absorbed sunlight. My new red car with horse power to blow skirts off.

She was the one last important piece to my perfect life. She could manage everything. A perfect compliment and a trophy on my arms. She could write from our apartment if she still wanted to. There is no need for her to go to the shop. Very common job. Not needed once we get married.

She of course will say yes. Who could refuse me?

What a loss to all those exes who missed an opportunity in me. 

Look where I am now!

The clock was ticking. Everything was perfect. I was just waiting for the fireworks at midnight. I would ask her then with this badass diamond surrounded by platinum.

The moment came. She was not standing the way I would have liked her to, but it would have to do. No time to waste or the perfect moment will pass.

The fireworks started.

 I pulled her close to me and whispered in her ear - Honey! Will you marry me?

On cue! Perfect! Fireworks.. purple, pink, white, yellow and green. Shimmering in the diamond in my hand.

I was kneeling.

She would gasp and say yes!..

Any second now..

The tears didn't make sense.

She frowned. Looked right at me. Put her hand on her mouth.

Was she too surprised?!

She bent down and kissed my cheek. 

"Happy new year Mark! I am.. so.. sorry.. I guess we won't be seeing each other anymore.

I want to live my own life Mark. 

I hope you understand."

She walked away!

I still don't get it.. 

It should have been ... perfect.

A hug missed

    I never knew them before. If anything I ran away from them. It must have been the fear that I would expose myself if I indulged in them. There is always an armor, you see. And a hug would have pierced it.

    I was uncomfortable every time someone came too close. Was it my space, or was it my image that I was saving?

    Then, there was a period of chaos. All that was familiar seemed ghostly and all that was fresh was rotten. I struggled and struggled, to fix this decay. But like blight on an old oak, this had gone deep. My strength, my calm and what felt like my life was disappearing inside me. The only thing that stood was the strong armor I had on.

    One day I got a hug.

    I was too tired to notice it at first. Then the warmth flowed in and then the kindness. It felt safe, not because I made it safe, but because I was held in a hug.

    I knew then, I had been wrong and I needed many many more. They were warm rays of sunshine that helped life flow in me.

    Now, in isolation, in a pandemic with shorter winter days, when I need it the most, it is not there again. 

    I miss a hug.

    And I knew years without knowing what they were. And I hug my past self back and say - 

    "You have made it. 

    Good job you! 

    Now you can relax.

    Here is a hug for you."

Magical night

The fire had fizzled between them. She sat puzzled.

"Oh! It is coming again!!"

HICCOUGH

"Darn it!" She stumbled.

HICCOUGH

She drank whatever was in the cup. That felt better. 

The cat started to float away under the lights of the tree. 

The star was twinkling mischievously on the top. 

She was not sure what was happening to the cat.

Must be the broccoli she ate.. 

"Gas." She muttered.

The night only got stranger when the candy cane started to loose its stripes. It can't be called loose exactly, but started to change shapes. It looked like Mark's mustache one second and seal's teeth the next; and then spiky like it was electrocuted.

She rubbed her eyes.

HICCOUGH

One more sip. 

The star twinkled again.

She picked up the phone and called him. There was magic in the air tonight. Christmas was not the time to fight magic.

[Prose]: Shadow and light

Shadows are always beneath a light.
Shadows make light shine bright.

But what happens when shadow meets light?

One more day passed, feeling hopeless and defeated.

Nothing has been in my favour lately,

... nothing.

I have tried and tried to speak out. The frustration is building inside. I could scream, but I would only attract attention. I have become nothing more than a shadow.. ever present, just barely noticable.

Would you notice me if I was gone?..

There is so much I want to say, but words are.. not easy..

A little hope I see everyday, just a bit of light going past me.

I chased the light one day. It danced, it twinkled, it was bright.. sometimes mellow.. but always lit.

Do shadows and light ever go hand in hand?

There is always a shadow even under the flame they said.

I think they are right.

Shadows are essential.

I just need to rise from my doubts. I am needed, I am important. I just need a chance to prove it.

I seeked my chance, once.. twice.. many many times..

But..

But..

The chance doesn't come to me.. it's frustrating..

I am.. it is... Arrrrghhhh.. I need to get out and take my chances!

Yes! I must.

Today I will!

I will prove that I am what you need.

I got up from my dullness.. my feet were on auto-pilot. My pace quickened. My heart was racing. It was exhilarating.. a sense of purpose at last! I knew this time I won't fail.

This time I will make it!

I will prove myself.

I am stronger than this!

It will be obvious.. my worth.. I know it will.. it would be.. because it is me.

I saw the light, pulled it out.. but she seemed confused.. like she did not know me.

She will know soon enough. Of course she would. I have been her shadow for so long now. She needs me. In the rain, in the cold days to watch over her.

I will show her I am her strength. Once she knows who I really am, she will never need to be afraid. I will protect her light. I will let her shine bright everyday.

I tried to open my mouth and tell her all this, but she screamed. I muffled her scream. I tried to talk to her, but she bit me. I held her back. I tried to talk to her. But she was struggling, so I just made her immobile.

Now she was listening. Oh.. wait she is still struggling...

Ok..

Now.. she is fine..

I started to talk, but words seem to come out wrong. I waited for her response, but none were coming.

I checked, her eyes seemed closed. Skin was so warm and filled with her beautiful light. She was always radiant with life. That's what makes her special. Especially in the mornings when she wakes up. I have seen her, her most radiant with the little bit of sunshine through her windows.

I had to work hard for it.. her little glimpse.. I waited a whole week.. on long cold nights ..outside in freezing air.. but she warms me up everytime. My light.

Why was she not responding? I checked.. I patted her cheek again. My hands were smudged with something..

Oh it's blood. Where did that come from?

I am not bleeding.. that's good.

Her face seems ok. She is fine too.

But there is a small pool behind her.. oh.. oh... Oh no!

I..

She..

I didn't.. I wouldn't! ..

How could I?!

This is not ok.. it's not how is meant to be!

It was not me!

I would never..

Not in a million years...

She is my light! My light! I am supposed to protect her!

I will protect her! I will protect her!

I held her. I held her work both my arms. Surely.. surely my love would revive her.

I held her all night long. Her light burning dimly..

It was perfect to be next to her. My whole world was perfect. I have been longing to touch her for so long. Can a shadow touch the light?

I think I just did.

I am happy now. She is in my arms. We will spend the eternity like this in each other's arms.

Just me.. and her..

Just us. Forever.

As we sat like this.. her light was with me. I was protecting her light. I was surrounding her from anything that can take away her light. I was right where I should be.

I woke up. Her light was all within me. But, I still feel empty...

Shadows are always beneath a light.
Shadows make light shine bright.

But what happens when shadow meets light?

Shadow stays and out goes light.

[Prose]: New wrinkles

'I find sadness beautiful. I cannot tolerate people who are artificially too energetic.' I took a long look at his face, I might have attached too much meaning to his face. I might have attributed a deep instinct of human understanding in him, but they all disappeared. Any respect I had, was gone when I realized this man only saw skin deep. His comment was of someone with a sheltered life. Of someone completely unaware of what facing adversity meant. Don't get me wrong, everyone has a different scale of adversity, but some make you hardcore and some crack you right to the core. Through all of these, there is only one true outcome, the outcome of survival and living.

When adversity in different forms hits you, you are definitely unprepared. If something similar happens the second time, its not an adversity anymore, you are mildly aware of the motions and you know the process. Worse yet, you are familiar with the pain and the fatigue associated with the events. Life for a while becomes a collection blur of motions triggered just by the surroundings and the mind just wanders away tucking into safety of sleep, if one is lucky or worse yet a detachment from all reality. Going to bed and not falling asleep become a part of your life, because there is no use, you wake up again and again to the same nightmare. Slowly a lot decays, a lot of hard determination gets eroded, there are many stains on the pillow of muffled cries. It somehow stops mattering what is on the plate, and sometimes nothing really gets to mouth. This is when you have a luxury in adversity to switch off. You become much like a zombie, walking around without a thought, forgetting the purpose of the walk itself, wandering into unknown alleys. Becoming afraid of your own thought is much too common, because there is more doom heading your way, and you know it.

In another adversity, you cannot afford to switch off and walk around like zombie. You are not allowed to rest. You have to be in the moment, because something clings on you to suck the life force out of you. You are firefighting, in the most inefficient way. The fire is only mildly reducing, but you are dying due to sheer stress. Mind cannot think of emotions, you become hard, you become steel and in sometime you collapse. You collapse to a level you cannot get up anymore. In your mind are the images of the burning moment and the sense of urgency has not left your bones. You try hard to get back on your feet, but you collapse again and again. Fatigue of the situation has taken over your body, and the mind goes next. All the bottled up emotions come flooding in, they have metamorphosed into something malevolent now. Unable to recognize your own feelings you are shocked, you find yourself transformed into something bitter and hard and unfeeling. More than unfeeling, it is the inability to express the feelings, and your feelings seem to have been taken over by some force and twisted.

Either ways, at the end, you are not yourself. As much as you want to be, you cannot be. You miss the familiar smile that used to crinkle your face and reach your eyes. You miss the rare tears, that are not hot with anger.  You miss feeling like a normal person who never knew adversity. You miss dreams that don not wake you up with a cold sweat. You miss being normal. In many failed attempts to get back to being normal, you fake laugh, hide your sadness, or let yourself be sympathized and wallow in sympathy. You are frustrated, angry, agitated and just not yourself anymore. People judge you, but rarely see the effort in keeping appearances. Fake laugh, fake attitude and all even you know is fake. This is not the time to be judged, but sadly you are doing more judging than all the world combined. But slowly the acceptance comes.

One day you wake up and the memories of the young you are just memories like of the childhood. On that day, you look at the mirror and find a new person standing. You recognize her as who your thought was the perfect woman, a calmness in her face, tired eyes but with understanding in them, a few more lines here and there. Yes, she does look weak and tired. You understand the cause of it better than anyone else, you were there as she struggled. Something else also has woken up in her that had gone to sleep for a while, her will to live. Surviving is not enough, if you can't really even live. This person in the mirror understands that better than anyone else.

Of course you don not know the answers to the really hard one word questions. You also realize that you never needed to. The priorities just flip here and there, all the dreams you chased, some seem pointless and some seem alright, but one new dream stands apart. This one is a dream you never had before, and you understand fully why you need it to come true. This is the one true dream, the dream to love yourself.  Not in the wild ways that are exciting and adventurous, but love yourself to bring peace and energy back into those eyes. You accept yourself and the decisions you made. Somehow for once you are more understanding of yourself. In a really long while, maybe never before, you are able to be by yourself. The silence outside for once does not bother you anymore, the screaming thoughts have turned to a hum and they do not alarm or scare you anymore. You for the first time listen to yourself, and make a genuine effort to understand this transformation in you. One perhaps calls it solitude, but being alone cannot perturb your feelings anymore. You rather start to enjoy your private soundless conversations, and sometimes you cannot contain that smile anymore. An unfamiliar peace falls upon, and a new vigor awakes. Its not the flashing burning vigor of the past, where you burnt yourself to show your potential. This is new, like a guiding candle that lets you take a steady path, even when the road is not seen enough.

This new person is still you, just a little wiser, just a little calmer, but definitely much stronger and someone you will surely can rely on. Yes, there are flaws, there are many cracks in the mantle, some wounds run deep and are still sore. But, this person is on the way to being better than what you ever were, with love and care and nurture, this is the woman you transform into. Perhaps the adversity was needed to awaken her into existence. Only time will tell, but do not judge her spirit by the new wrinkles on her forehead, she runs deeper than what you see.

Being a moment

I know I am not supposed to be here.
I know this is not the same.
I know, but for a moment let the knowing disappear.
Let me not know what i already know.

Let me stay here this moment.
Let me stay just like this.
I know it will pass, the moment.
But, i want to close my eyes and pretend.

For just this moment, lie to me.
For just this moment, pretend its ok.
For just this moment, my heart, skip a beat.
For just this moment, let me

Let me hold on to thin air.
Let me hold on to a shadow.
Let me feel the warmth of cold rain.
For me pretend it exists.

Let me be like this, a step away from my own darkness.
Let me be like this, a bubble of my own happiness.
Let me pretend to not know what is ahead.
Let me, please let me just be this moment.

[Poetry]: Kill them all!

'Kill them!' she said. 'Kill them all!', she said with more conviction.
There was a perverse joy in her eyes, a perfect future in her vision.
She stomped on them, she jumped with joy.
Her little act had effect, many hundreds died.

She knew they needed to be destroyed, they were pests!
They were not supposed to eat her candy, now the whole lot was infested.
'Kill them!' She shouted with a sadistic pleasure, she was the queen.
This was her ruling and approved by her friends.

The problem seemed small at first, just the few hundred of the minute pests.
But, then after a few hundred that she stomped, she saw the rest.
Something had changed, they were not scattering anymore.
They seemed not scared anymore.

One could, with some effort, feel the pain.
One could, with some effort, hear their cries, in vain.
One could, with some effort, understand their anger.
One could, with no effort at all, sense the danger.

They marched, with a determination, towards unruly feet.
They marched, with vengeance, they would not accept defeat.
They marched, with war cry, 'Kill them!'
They marched, ignoring last pleas of her kind, 'Kill them all!'