[Thought]: Has Mr. Murphy been visiting you?

So, it was one day where everything was going exactly opposite to what you expected. You put your hands up and say - " OK! I give up, I can't fight this anymore." Yes, Mr. Murphy had visited you.

I wish it was just one day. Mr. Murphy seems to have taken a liking to me, and many on my colleagues in the middle of their PhDs. He has been staying with me for months now. The stay overwhelms me, and no matter what I am doing, plans just don't take off. No, it's not just work. My travel plans, that were on cards for six months, were canceled three weeks before. There were landslides in the place I was to visit. It has never happened before! A family function was also canceled due to extreme unforseen reasons. I also captured the limelight for a brief period because of a huge misunderstanding with a senior colleague. Even when I did not see large damage in the altercation, everyone else seemed overly concerned. That was irritating. While Mr. Murphy has been active, it's not easy to handle him. However, I think I am getting there. Here is my list of steps.

1. Reduce toxic impact: to start with, I thought the period would end soon. The pressure of deadlines got the better off me. I was a little less human than I should have been. I would call this the toxic phase. I would create a zone of toxicity around and I was in the epicenter of it. Many misunderstood me, I tried to explain, but the misunderstandings grew. I finally got tired of letting myself being insulted politely, and I simplified my friends circle. I took out the unnecessary distraction and excess information by getting off social media. Virtual lives are virtual, the reality of everyday life was overwhelming me, so it made sense to root myself to reality and untangle that first.

2. Laugh and surround yourself with easier people: I kept only the brave ones, who could tolerate my toxicity and sarcastic humor, and laugh at themselves close to me. I laughed and joked about my situations, the humor and laughter have a healing effect, which I cannot deny anymore! If you can't laugh, I don't think you can survive. I recommend this over poetry and sadness or other emotions for a while.

3. Fresh perspective to everything: first the situations hit me, then instead of reacting, like I did many times, I stopped. I now keep a little black book, where I rationalize my own thoughts and listen to my own feelings. It sounds like pop psychology, but the only one who knows your situation best is - you. So, listen to your own problems and deal with them one by one. Even the silly ones. Take an allocentric view and listen to yourself. Take the decisions that you can live with. And yes, swallow your pride. Ask sorry if you feel you did wrong, and give compliments to the ones who deserve it. Don't keep a debt of social contracts.

4. Wake up, brush and eat, don't forget to breath: while everyday seems overwhelming, don't let it get you. Simplest thing I do is actually have a list in front of me of the things I just need to do to make my day complete. It may not be the best day, but lying in bed and not starting it is just not going to make it any better! Yes, on that day when gravity to stay in the comfort zone is starting to get better of me, I look at this list. And one by one I tick it off. Item 1: get up. Item 2: brush. Item 3: stretch and move, sweat a little. Item 4; eat breakfast. Item 5: breath. Item 6: work like you love your work even today. Give it 4 hrs. And so on.

5. Learn and commit: yes, everyday is hard. But, the joy of learning something new is exhilarating. So, get a new hobby, not one but three. Let one of them be exercise. Keep it simple, and keep it to the basics. Make it a part of your day, like brush and stretch. After work I took up birding on my way back home. I took up star gazing before dinner. Don't make commitments you can't keep, especially to yourself. Keep the people who can't honor commitments out, don't undervalue your own time!

6. Take reward and escape beaks: while long holidays work for others, for me a break every six weeks seemed best. I need to get out! I miss the sun and fresh air. So I took up trekking. One trek every six weeks or a travel to someplace I have never been before. A low budget is a must for me. These are my rewards and escapes. I am better prepared to tackle my everyday with rejuvenated spirit.

7. Back to the basics: this is the most important one. In work and otherwise, go back to the basics. I look back and check my understanding, I look again at all the results or the lack of them and try to see if it fits the basics. Just like in the check lists, I need to get the step one right, and somehow it will all follow.

But, the one I won't put a number to is from hitchhiker's - "Don't panic". I have written  it down in many places, it helps.

The reason I am even doing all this is because I just don't want to give up fighting just yet. Actually never. I will not give up! I will however learn to live the fight and fight at my pace. I think Mr. Murphy is just here to help me set my pace.

Whatever his intentions, I know I am stronger and calmer at the end of it. Thanks Mr. Murphy!

[Thought]: Expense of dislike and hatred

Everyone has a choice, there is just a small window of choice when one can choose to go down the path of committing to dislike or hate another one. We all have these people, the ones we hate. But, are you prepared for such a commitment?

Truth be told, hating an another is more complicated than loving another. In love the feelings are good, uplifting and they appeal to the good side of you. To hate another on the other hand is to acknowledge the dark feelings of despise, and the betrayal that brought upon such feelings. The pain and the agony would fade, but the mind is unwilling to forgive. At this moment you choose to commit to the anger and hold on to it for the rest of your life. Yes, for the rest of your life! Love may change forms, but hatred can only grow stronger with time. Even when the evidence to the other party's behavior is contrary to your perception, you would suspect ulterior motives and reinforce the commitment to hate. And in this way, hate grows stronger everyday and you uphold the feelings and reiterate the memories and hard wire them. Slowly a part of you is consumed and is obsessed with hating another one.

Hate is reciprocal, most of the time. To be hated with similar intensity every single day is phenomenal. Even if the people you love forget to remember you, your enemy will remember you, everyday. In the obsession of hate, in the best and the worst moments, the enemy will think of you and tick another milestone on one of the sides.

I know I would be honored to be someone's contemporary with such intensity, on the other hand I lack the commitment to such hatred. I have too many things that occupy my day and night, my energy is dedicated to many more things. Truth be told, I never met anyone worthy of my hate. I never let anyone so close to hurt me that deep and work that intensity. I for one, cannot make such commitments easily, so no I really don't hate anyone.

[Poetry]: Walk away

You sit in lofty seats,
Feeling like the witness as history repeats.
While on your ass, consider the misery you cause
As your judging eyes belittle the loss.

An adventurer you call yourself,
Stories are not yours, but of the books on your shelf.
Nothing you say is novel or your wisdom
Much of what is already said and you just give me the sum.

Why should I not loathe you?
Because loathing you needs energy
Because loathing you needs time
Because loathing you is such a waste, I can't even find a rhyme.

So, here oh judgmental world's being!
I dismiss your judgment of me.
I show a gesture so obscene
And walk away washing my hands clean.

[Thought]: Cabin sized home

The first time I had packed my bags to leave home was in 2002. I have lived in hostels and traveled since then. I would say I left my home in 2002, and twelve years down I am still in transit. In the twelve years, many modes of transport have happened, many kilometers have passed. Yet, I feel like I have not reached my destination.

A year and a half back my dad asked if I was considering traveling across the country. I loved the idea and hit the road. Most of my breaks from work are for travel to familiar and new places. Most of the time meeting old friends again and making new ones. I have been at it since then and I love the feeling of reaching someplace and experiencing new culture and food. More than anything I like being close to the forests and away from the city. I don't like the hustle bustle and the cacophony. I despise the addictions that technology brings us.

Again today I am packing my bag. I have my tickets and I will be away for a while. Away from where? Not from home, because living between two cities and three houses, I don't recognize a home for myself anymore. I feel like a traveler everyday and each moment. Like I am on my way home, just that I am not sure what that feels like anymore. I know the day I reach home, I will know I have come home.

I wonder if it is a physical place, or just a state of being, being home. Maybe home is made by people who love you and accept you with the quirks. Maybe home is the moment with loved ones that you are in, where you feel welcome. Maybe home is when you feel secure, and all the worries are suspended in that moment. Maybe home is just that moment of belonging to the people, the place around. However fleeting the moment might be, home is a beautiful place.

As I pack my bag, I look at the contents. Sets of clothes, brush, paste, soap, towel, shampoo. Sleeping bag, warm jacket, socks. My notebooks, my trusty umbrella and some money and ID. I know this is about all I need to live. I am sure I will survive in just these. I feel warm looking at my bag. I think it's time I painted it with my favorite fictions. I think it's time I put some familiar faces on it. It welcomes me, and I trust it not to let me down. I have memories with this bag and promises of many journeys to come. Is it possible that this is my home?

Maybe that is how travelers are, finding that home is tucked away in their bags, anywhere in the world. Right at their back, packed in small rolls, all the happiness, memories and everything they need in a cabin size pack. Truly a cabin sized home.

[Thought]: Fight to be on my feet

It must have been the bruise. As I just sat there I realized it. It was not the fall. It was never the fall.

The fall came easy. Just a little slip that cascaded into a collapse and loss of grasp in that moment. Then the inevitable fall. At the bottom I just sat. Wondering where it went all wrong. Somehow the moment is all muddled and the time is skipping ticks. The sequence is so clear and yet it is random. Did the dots ever connect or am I thinking them aligned like the constellations that never have the stars even close? It was just cause and effect, action leading to reaction leading to another reaction. It could have actually swung in many ways and I would not be here. But I am. Here, at the bottom at this moment.

But why am I still here? Because the bruises will not let me move. I am hurt, I can feel the pain. The tears roll down even when I try to control them and not show. But the hurt is real and a big part of me fights it with all strength and another is acknowledging it. The tears are hot as they roll down, not cool. They are burning my skin. They are not of pain but of anger. I am angry because I can't stand up. Maybe not because of that. But the anger is at they way I can't get up. And maybe because I can't let go. Maybe because I fell when I did not expect to fall. Maybe it's just my ego.

Yes it must be the bruise of my ego. Holding me down. The more persistent of the pains. It gnaws at my conscience.

Let go. Let it be. Stand up. Acknowledge that you had the courage to fight. Acknowledge that you had the courage to take the risk.

Stand up because you are better on your feet than watching the world pass by as you sit and nurse your ego. Stand up because there are more fights coming your way. Stand up and take the shield of courage because the world needs to be beneath your feet. Stand up because there is so much to be and so much to live. Stand up because the next fall is waiting for someone like you to take a chance. Stand up because I am better than this. And I stand up.

Yes I am afraid I will fall again. Yes I am still hurt. But, I am up. I am set to explore more. I am learning more. I am fighting harder. I am living more. I am alive and loving it!

[Poetry]: Chai ki chuskiyan (sips of tea)

This post is dedicated to all my friends who spent time with me over sips of tea. Some loved tea, some loved me and some I loved very much. But, between the sips of tea, much was discussed and nothing was discussed. Sometimes it was just tea, but each cup of tea was a moment shared and now a part of my life. 


लगता है मुद्दतों बाद आप से फ़िर मुलाकात हुई।
(Feels like its been ages since I met you)

रोज़ आपको देखतें हैं, पर आज मिलने की फुरसत हुई।
(I see you everyday, but today I had time to meet you)

कहानियाँ आये-दिनों की, कुछ बीते कल की,
(stories of  everyday, some of yesterday)

कुछ उम्मीदों और आप के सपनों के चहल पहल की।
(Some of hopes and some of the buzz of your dreams)


मौसम की सर्द सी आहों से ज़रा हट कर,
(Apart from the frigid breath of the season)

इन ऊंची इमारतों के और मोटर-गाड़ियों की कर्कश से बच कर,
(Away from the noise of the tall buildings and motor-vehicles)

चलिए उन बीती गलियों की जानी-पहचानी आवाज़  में कुछ गुफ्तगू कर लें ।
(Lets go converse amongst the familiar sounds of  the streets)

उन पुरानी बातों साथ पुराने प्यालों में यादें भर लें।
(with the old talk, in the old cups, lets fill them with memories)



आज थोड़ा बीते दिनों की, आने वाले कल की
(Today, a little of the bygone days and of tomorrow)

कुछ पुरानी यादों के सन्नाटों की, नए सपनों के कल-कल की ,
(Some silence of the old memories, the pitter-patter of new dreams)

एक, दो ऐसे ही कुछ बातें कर लें ।
(Lets talk about one, two or more of such talks)

इन चाय की  चुस्कियों के बीच कुछ खुद को ही याद कर लें
(Between the sips of tea, lets just remember some of us/me)

[Trek/Travel]: Sun,sand and waves - Gokarna trek with BTC

Some warm sun, white sands and calm cool waves. Check. Some rocky cliffs, with corals and sea shells attached. Interesting. Some muddy slopes, and loose pebbles on a steep seaward face of a hill. Challenging. A flat hill-top with mesmerizing grassland springing up as you climb behind the fort wall. Rewarding. A wash in cool sacred waters after a dip in the sea. Definitely worth it.

That is what trek was all about. But, summaries are just that, they leave out the spicy details. The rest of this article is just about the stories as I like to tell them.

I am part of a trekking club, called Bangalore trekking club (BTC as we fondly call it). From time to time, to remind myself that I am part of a much larger scheme of the universe, I am speck on a speck of sand, I go trekking. In the wild I connect with my fears and hopes. It liberates me to be away from the ho-hum of the electronics and the nitty-gritty of work and life. And this time, it was a beach trek!

Where did we go? We went from beach to beach, along the west coast of Karnataka from Kumta to Gokarna passing the Nirvana beach, paradise beach, half-moon beach and the beautiful OM beach finally reaching Gokarna beach.

A compact 20 seated accommodated the 20 of us. On teaching Kumta, we waved a last bye to all the many shops, eateries and other comforts. A quick breakfast and we geared up for the two days trek. It started on a  beautiful beach with many boats on the shore and a few fisherman still visible at the horizon. The sands were white and clean. All through the sand we could see little holes surrounded by beautiful spheres of wet sand. They looked like the diwali fireworks without the heat or light.

We reached the first hill, on top of it was a little fort ruined and watching time go by. This was a photo moment and do we pose!

Then another beach, and slowly the fun started. We crossed the longest beach in the whole trek, barefoot in the by the waves, this was Nirvana beach, long stretch of white beautiful sands. By mid-day after a decent distance covered, stomachs grumbled a bit. I think the grumble reached the trek-leader's ears too, we decided to take a small detour to a little town by the coast. Here, in a small shop, we ransacked for any eatables. We discovered the local delights. The best of which was the thirst quenching "Ragini", at least some of us thought that is what it was called. It was actually called "ragi neer" translates to the juice of ragi (a grain found in these parts). Someone made the mistake of offering home cooked rotis and tomato chutney, then some chutney-powder, bhindi (ladies finger) curry and rice rotis and the food kept coming to the table and disappearing in a blink. Then thanks to Shakti, we got to know how each one of the "Amma" cool drinks tasted. Only if wine tasting also had an extension of cool-drinks tasting, Shakti would have won many awards. To close the meal we had MTR made dal-chawal. And we started to trek again. Refreshed.

We started trekking again, and this time the terrain got interesting. The slopes were steeper and loose gravel made stepping tricky. While i fell a couple of steps behind, i found inspiration from the 11 year old who made the uphill look like a child's play. My new hero was ahead of me and i followed her stride. Slowly and steadily we reached on top of the hill, at one point we could hardly see a trail ahead. Bushes and thorny shrubs surrounded us, at the bottom white waves crashed into large black rocks. The landscape across the fort wall was completely different. The grass covered the entire floor in even golden. The mist of the morning still lingered here adding a beautiful haze. It felt like a dream.

At the end of the day we reached a small beach adjacent to a village hidden behind the trees lining the beach. The fishermen were roping in their days catch as we reached. We pitched tent and jumped into the waters.

How could we not!? After freshening up, hunger surfaced again and campfire was set. In the simmering fire, we heard the story of "Ek thi daayan" (once there was a witch) from our little story teller. I liked Bebo, the little kid in the story, but the narrator was much more mesmerizing. Then I made my first ever barbecue onion in the campfire, luck was with me and it tasted great, and we were hungry. Thanks to industrious efforts of the guys, we got cup noodles and loads of yummy MTR food again. Then the games began.

We played dumb charades, and strange facts came out. Got to learn what happens when you hug too much and that there is a phenomenon called "baba Mulayamgiri"( hermit named smooth hills). With the sound of waves we finally retired to our tents and slept, while a friend to be stood guard by my tent all night. He made sure no other dogs would disturb my sleep and only he would. In the morning we made peace and became friends.

Morning next to the beach, the memory itself refreshes me now. For some however the peace of the morning was interrupted when someone trespassed a peaceful natural call unknowingly. The said person was aloof and seemed uncomfortable for the best part  of the trek that followed. When one has to go, one has to go. We started on more rocky faces on second day. We reached a small hotel after a long trek. The hotel only served eggs and omelettes from them, for vegetarians like me, this was disappointing. To rescue the vegetarians like me, one brave girl took up the task of teaching the cook how to cook amazing Maggi. We pooled all Maggi packets and gave her, she managed the show so well. Meanwhile, idle hands were at mischief, lets say yada yada yada, and about seven of us tasted the green grass that deserved to be eaten by cows. I am still surprised how is that one has never eaten grass?!  After a while, I got a plate of the best Maggi after a tiring trek.

One more fort later, we had the view of the Om beach., shaped like the Om word in Sanskrit.

On Om beach we lounged and had lunch. Long chats about this and that. Refreshed we started on the last leg of the trek. We finally reached Gokarna and a dip in the seas and a shower in the holy waters. Just the perfect end to a trek. But, wait, there is more. Then we went and saw the temple in Gokarna. After the temple visit, we had the yummiest free food from the anna-daan (rice donations). What a fitting end!

And we returned to the same buildings and mundane lives, but the shine of the sun and the smell of the seas for two days stayed for the next few days in me. As it fades, I am preparing for my next exciting trek in the wilderness.

PS: Photos are from different people, just the memories are mine.